Change

I was reading the blog of a very close friend of mine and she was talking about change. Its quite a strange word really...change. Change, the dictionary defines it as, "an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another, become different in essence; losing one's or its original nature" etc.

But the thing about change is, is that it is never wholly expected and in most cases, change is unwanted, even to the extent that it is feared. Change, it is funny when you think that change happens all the time and never when you expect it nor when it does happen do you even realise that change has happened. A change in routine for example. One day you decide that instead of driving down the same road to the supermarket, some force compels you to change your mind and instead of going you decide to go to the corner shop. I was talking to a friend about this and she related this story of how her mother had decided to go to a shop and instead of taking the car she decided to walk. As she walked along her road she tripped on what was apparently a broken pavement and hurt herself quite badly, forcing her to go home. It later occurred that the store she had been about to go into was bombed. Some would argue that it was not her fate to go that day and I would not argue with you, but what I find fascinating was the change in a normal routine. What made her decide to walk to the store instead of driving like she normally would?

It is such a questionable subject "Change". You can philosophise about it until the cows come home but you will never get a definitive answer as to how little changes can amount to greater things. One thing that I have noticed, especially in the last 20 years or so, is a seemingly inherent need in human beings, to change themselves. Whether for the better or not is by the by. Perhaps you could argue that it is part of a greater evolution process, but why are people so fascinated with changing themselves? Many reasons I suppose, to feel healthier, to feel better within, some even seek spiritual enlightenment.

It is such an all encompassing thing change, and the reason why I bring it up is because lately I find myself changing to. I find that I need to be more patient, something that is very hard to do in our fast pace society where everybody lives from moment to moment, Carpe Diem seems to be the byword for my generation as well as materialistic self-gratitude. I have also noticed an inner desire to be more aware of my health after visiting the Asthma clinic a few days ago. I suffer from very bad asthma, something which I suspect I was born with but it never fully developed until I started high school. But this last year I noticed that I hadn't used my inhaler once, not even during the bitter winter that we have just had. But then it hit me as to why, since last November I have taken it upon myself to lose weight and so joined a group to help sort out my eating habits and it is working. Not as quickly as I like but then losing weight was never going to be easy. Since starting I found that I had a lot more energy to burn so I began to exercise about an hour everyday. Of course there are some weeks when you just don't feel like doing it but well, I am slowly chipping away at my weight and managing to keep it off which is a miracle in itself.

I for one have never been scared of change, wary yes, because we live in a world of free choice and change is that persistent anomaly that one should always expect and factor in but never precisely know what it brings. One should always expect change but should also be wary of it simply because it is the unpredictable thread of life that can and will surprise you at every turn.

In with the new and out with the old...

So another day in another year...Where has the time gone? I'm not an overly sentimental person, never have been. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I don't get overly emotional and cry at certain parts in books or movies....Its just when it happens its incredibly rare.

I tend not to form close attachments to people but that is not to say I don't have incredibly close friends, I'm just one of those people who has a small group of very close friends, and those friendships last for a very long time. I choose to love very few people in this world and perhaps that makes me come of as cold and unfeeling but I beg to differ. Growing up in the restaurant business makes it difficult to form deep attachments to people, most of the time customers come in once and you never see them again. Ever since I was a baby my whole life has been surrounded by nothing but strangers with nameless faces, is this the reason why perhaps I don't form that many deep attachments? Probably, fact is it does explain a lot. But then my father is the same so perhaps you could say its genetics. Who knows. I will say this though, it has in no way hindered me, even though I choose to love very people in my life, I found that the friends I do keep stay with me and are all incredibly loyal. So the fact of the matter is, yes indeed I think it better to have a small group of loyal friends who have earned your trust, rather then a hundred friends who aren't.

Which brings me to my point, sometimes even those loyal friends are not who you think they are, they fly under the radar. I had one such friend until about a month ago, we got on incredibly well until one day just out of the blue I received a text message saying she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Her reason? We were no longer speaking (apparently) and it was happening anyway. All this because I had apparently not told her about a Christmas work party. Baring in mind I had quit the job last July and so had no real knowledge of said party and not to mention that she herself had left weeks before the party. I suspect that this was simply an excuse for the fact that I hadn't spoken to her over the phone over the couple of weeks prior to the text. But I will not make excuses for not calling for the simple fact that my childhood friend, one whom I had known since I was 5, had lost her mother just after Christmas, quite suddenly. A woman (may she rest in peace), who had been like a mother to me during my teenage years. So with all things considered, she was more important. I am not so hard hearted that I wouldn't be there for a friend, especially for something like this and I refuse to apologies for ignoring my other friend. Truth be told, I didn't keep in touch with a lot of people during those difficult few weeks leading up to the funeral and I will gladly do it again.

I don't look back, as I said I am not a sentimental person. But in some strange way I am quite thankful to her, they say that you learn from the people around you, that even passing strangers can have an impact on you. So I am grateful to her, while it lasted she was a very good friend. Its just a shame that it had to end the way it did....